Fake Gun News

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The stories are real. Don’t take our word for it, just hit the links. But when news items break like this meet a fertilized imagination, fake gun news grows. Guy J. Sagi and Fear and Loading take no responsibility for skewered election results or BBQ mishaps.

Apple Shortage

In a development that could threaten fall bobbing, demand for Washington State apples abroad has strained stateside supplies. Consumers are being warned to expect hauntingly high prices as Halloween approaches.

The shortage remained unexplained until an industry insider uncovered a recent rash of the treat’s exports to Asia. “Nine out of every ten apples are currently being shipped to China, particularly the oversized hybrids,” her report said. “The good news is they seem to prefer the flatter-bottomed, tarter varieties, so there are plenty of golden and red delicious to go around for America’s Halloween festivities.”

Recently declassified government documents indicate there’s a grim reason for the shipments. “This Chinese military video indicates its special operations teams practice shooting apples off the heads of subordinates who karaoke,” it states. “And because there’s no shortage of these specially trained warriors [the shooters, not the singers], we recommend the fruit be included in the list of strategic minerals and materials to limit and better monitor exports.” The heavy legislative docket would seem to indicate that trick won’t be possible until the 2018 legislative session.

CIA Denies Involvement

Intelligence sources abroad have determined it was Kalashnikov Concern’s live-fire demonstration—which shows militarily dressed operators pretty much breaking every rule of gun safety on this planet and those regions of Mars with intelligent life—that was responsible for the mysterious deaths of an entire battalion of ISIS terrorists last week. “The warning ‘not to try this at home’ wasn’t included when it was originally posted, despite the use of live ammo,” a former OSS agent hiding in Lesotho, who requested anonymity, said. “Terrorists dropped like mall ninjas trying to emulate the dangerous moves and it didn’t stop until they ran short of cartridges.”

And Finally in Fake Gun News: Fully Funded Retirements

Russia and China have released annual reports that indicate their respective military retirements are fully funded and secure. Members of their armed services who live to the age of 90 can expect to receive full benefits.

Signs Someone Has a Hidden Gun

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Accomplished photographers have at least one thing in common with smart self-defense enthusiasts—attention to detail. A  study released in 2015 , based on images of Russian President Vladimir Putin’s “gunslinger gait,” underscores that fact. The way he walks is one of the many signs someone has a hidden gun.

There are other indications a person has a firearm on them, many detailed in The U.S. Department of Justice’s 2006 “Violent Encounters: A study of felonious assaults on our nation’s law enforcement officers.” Recognizing the clues it provides could be lifesaving.

None (as in zero) of the criminals interviewed in the study used a holster. That lack of retention, “…may have made their actions more exaggerated or noticeable, or it may have affected their behaviors in varied but related ways,” according to the study.

Body language

• Hand check—The urge to touch, tug or adjust that gun is common. “These acts become most observable whenever individuals change body positions, such as standing, sitting or exiting a motor vehicle,” according to the report. Running criminals often hold the gun in place.  Hands in pockets or visiting them too often is another of the signs someone has a hidden gun.

• Jock itch—“Many offenders in the three studies revealed that they purposely transported weapons in their crotch areas…because of the reluctance of officers to thoroughly search this location.”

• Blading—They also often turn their body, blade, to shield the gun from detection. One of the interviewed felons explained the habit. “Because they can’t see what I’m reaching for, I get that extra second.”

Attire

• Sagging—“Normally, personal items, such as wallets, keys, pagers, and cell phones, do not weigh enough to cause a pocket to hang substantially lower than the one on the opposite side.” Jackets droop or swing like a pendulum on one side when walking.

• Improper clothing—Heavy coats in the summer can hide guns. Jackets open in the dead of winter provide faster draws. And, “Similarly, if a man is wearing a dress shirt, dress pants, and dress shoes, why would he have his shirttail hanging out?” the study asks. It’s all about speed. The report also warns criminals often carry a gun under a coat or item draped over their arm.

• Hoodies—“One offender in the current study stated that he had several friends who carried firearms in their jacket hoods,” the report warns.  Eye hoods not worn during rain and snow with caution.

Handoff

“Twelve percent of the male offenders in the same study [‘In the Line of Fire’] reported giving their handguns to females to carry for them when approached by law enforcement officers.” Female criminals also preferred storing guns in places officers avoid frisking. Ninety-two percent of the criminals interviewed carried their weapons somewhere in the middle torso—crotch, back, side, chest or belly.

Final signs someone has a hidden gun

Retired Border Patrol Agent and Gunsite Rangemaster Ed Head said your observation should include another focus. “I always looked at their eyes, face and neck,” he said. “People tense up before they launch and you can see this as their eyes narrow or squint, their facial muscles tighten and their carotid arteries in the neck throb as their pulse quickens.”

As for Putin’s walk, the experts claim his KGB training still shows. The gun hand remains close to where the firearm is, or was, holstered during his foreign intelligence service. This other arm and support hand rises, falls and swings in a normal pattern. The asymmetric stride is the gunslinger gait.