Fake Gun News

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The stories are real. Don’t take our word for it, just hit the links. But when news items break like this meet a fertilized imagination, fake gun news grows. Guy J. Sagi and Fear and Loading take no responsibility for skewered election results or BBQ mishaps.

Apple Shortage

In a development that could threaten fall bobbing, demand for Washington State apples abroad has strained stateside supplies. Consumers are being warned to expect hauntingly high prices as Halloween approaches.

The shortage remained unexplained until an industry insider uncovered a recent rash of the treat’s exports to Asia. “Nine out of every ten apples are currently being shipped to China, particularly the oversized hybrids,” her report said. “The good news is they seem to prefer the flatter-bottomed, tarter varieties, so there are plenty of golden and red delicious to go around for America’s Halloween festivities.”

Recently declassified government documents indicate there’s a grim reason for the shipments. “This Chinese military video indicates its special operations teams practice shooting apples off the heads of subordinates who karaoke,” it states. “And because there’s no shortage of these specially trained warriors [the shooters, not the singers], we recommend the fruit be included in the list of strategic minerals and materials to limit and better monitor exports.” The heavy legislative docket would seem to indicate that trick won’t be possible until the 2018 legislative session.

CIA Denies Involvement

Intelligence sources abroad have determined it was Kalashnikov Concern’s live-fire demonstration—which shows militarily dressed operators pretty much breaking every rule of gun safety on this planet and those regions of Mars with intelligent life—that was responsible for the mysterious deaths of an entire battalion of ISIS terrorists last week. “The warning ‘not to try this at home’ wasn’t included when it was originally posted, despite the use of live ammo,” a former OSS agent hiding in Lesotho, who requested anonymity, said. “Terrorists dropped like mall ninjas trying to emulate the dangerous moves and it didn’t stop until they ran short of cartridges.”

And Finally in Fake Gun News: Fully Funded Retirements

Russia and China have released annual reports that indicate their respective military retirements are fully funded and secure. Members of their armed services who live to the age of 90 can expect to receive full benefits. Oddly, a similar announcement came out of the great white north after it was revealed the Royal Canadian Mounted Police travel with unsecured grenade launchers.