Holiday Grinches

Porch pirates are preying on America’s online-shopping shipping lanes, and a man in Tacoma, WA, has figured out a way to repel the boarders. His solution grew out of frustration after dozens of packages disappeared from his porch and no arrests were made—despite security video that clearly showed multiple perpetrators. After channeling his inner Wile E. Coyote, TheBlankBox was born and now being deployed on decks across the nation for the holidays.

Unfortunately, the shotshell-based solution is apparently illegal, although no citations have been issued, and will undoubtedly earn a dubious place of distinction in the gun-safety hall of fame. Well, maybe not. I’ll let you decide while reading the article and watching the rather entertaining videos of criminals running away with roadrunner haste.

Holiday Grinches Approach Not Condoned

Early reports the product is endorsed by Chris Kringle and his staff were erroneous, according to North Pole CFO Donner. He explains in the company’s latest quarterly report, “Hazing criminals from package staging points would violate our contract with Elves Local 13, which states we cannot engage in any proactive measure to prevent theft of toys, gifts or miraculous sports victories. Our hands are legally tied. The agreement ensures those greedy little labor organizers can continue to collect their salaries—and commensurate overtime—if we were forced to churn out replacements for good little boys and girls. Fortunately, NORAD continues to ride shotgun, pun intended, when Santa and his reindeer launch every Christmas Eve and we’ve yet to suffer a single hijacking. As a result, our bottom line remains strong, and we expect dividends to increase next fiscal year due to an unexpected expansion of New Jersey’s naughty list.”

The incident cited took place in Hoboken, during the annual SantaCon pub crawl. No citations were issued for impersonating Saint Nicholas, although 55 people went to an emergency room, 17 arrests were made and another 51 people received at least one non-criminal summons—disorderly conduct, drinking on the street, impersonation of a dog near a fire hydrant, etc. North Pole Public Relations Manager Blixen stated, “All of their names have been added to the naughty list. And, for the record, that’s not how Santa gets his red nose.” Officials did not disclose the number of warnings issued for soliciting when the wannabees were caught on street corners calling a hearty, “Ho, Ho, Ho.”