Holiday Grinches

Porch pirates are preying on America’s online-shopping shipping lanes, and a man in Tacoma, WA, has figured out a way to repel the boarders. His solution grew out of frustration after dozens of packages disappeared from his porch and no arrests were made—despite security video that clearly showed multiple perpetrators. After channeling his inner Wile E. Coyote, TheBlankBox was born and now being deployed on decks across the nation for the holidays.

Unfortunately, the shotshell-based solution is apparently illegal, although no citations have been issued, and will undoubtedly earn a dubious place of distinction in the gun-safety hall of fame. Well, maybe not. I’ll let you decide while reading the article and watching the rather entertaining videos of criminals running away with roadrunner haste.

Holiday Grinches Approach Not Condoned

Early reports the product is endorsed by Chris Kringle and his staff were erroneous, according to North Pole CFO Donner. He explains in the company’s latest quarterly report, “Hazing criminals from package staging points would violate our contract with Elves Local 13, which states we cannot engage in any proactive measure to prevent theft of toys, gifts or miraculous sports victories. Our hands are legally tied. The agreement ensures those greedy little labor organizers can continue to collect their salaries—and commensurate overtime—if we were forced to churn out replacements for good little boys and girls. Fortunately, NORAD continues to ride shotgun, pun intended, when Santa and his reindeer launch every Christmas Eve and we’ve yet to suffer a single hijacking. As a result, our bottom line remains strong, and we expect dividends to increase next fiscal year due to an unexpected expansion of New Jersey’s naughty list.”

The incident cited took place in Hoboken, during the annual SantaCon pub crawl. No citations were issued for impersonating Saint Nicholas, although 55 people went to an emergency room, 17 arrests were made and another 51 people received at least one non-criminal summons—disorderly conduct, drinking on the street, impersonation of a dog near a fire hydrant, etc. North Pole Public Relations Manager Blixen stated, “All of their names have been added to the naughty list. And, for the record, that’s not how Santa gets his red nose.” Officials did not disclose the number of warnings issued for soliciting when the wannabees were caught on street corners calling a hearty, “Ho, Ho, Ho.”


Shriners Tribute Rifle

Bad news drives traffic to websites, sells papers and spreads across our social media feeds faster than a tropical plague. It’s a shame, too, because it literally drowns out the good work being done by so many people and organizations.

Shriners are one of the groups swept under by the anger-mongering riptide, but its charitable efforts haven’t escaped the notice of Henry Repeating Arms. The company has just rolled out a tribute edition of its Golden Boy lever action with a portion of each sale going to help its philanthropic endeavors.

The Shriners Tribute Edition is chambered in .22 LR, but also digests longs or shorts. The tubular magazine holds between 16 and 21 rounds and comes with a fully adjustable rear sight and octagonal barrel.

The American walnut stock is laser etched and hand painted with the Shriners red Fez and sports a gold-pained scroll with the words “Shriners International.” The nickel-plated receiver has an engraved Shriner shield in 24-karat gold plating and banner that reads “Fun, Fellowship and Philanthropy”—the organization’s core values. MSRP for the collectible is $1,154.95.

Shriners have been making the world a better place since 1872, although its efforts rarely attract the headlines they deserve. The Shriners Hospitals for Children is a good example. The organization’s 200,000 members do a lot more, too, with many of the efforts detailed on its website.

“Shriners are a beacon of light in their communities,” Anthony Imperato, president of Henry Repeating Arms said. “They give so much in the pursuit of bettering themselves and helping families in need, and we are honored to offer this rifle as a salute to all of their hard work and charitable contributions.”

In the interest of impartiality, I must report I’m not a Shriner, never have been, not aware of any family members who’ve joined and my wife won’t let me wear any fez in public. That, of course, doesn’t preclude me from being a fan of the organization’s work, and trying to spread some good news, far and wide, especially this time of year.  


Hot Dog Robbery

Phoenix, AZ, police responded to a eunique case about a month ago when a 19-year-old man allegedly trying to rob a hot dog stand on Oct. 31 cut his escape attempt short by shooting himself in the penis.  Surveillance video captured the event, and authorities indicate the unwanted discharge came after he stooped to collect money from the floor, ultimately hitting the trigger when he shifted the .38 in his waistband.

After a short wrestling match with an employee, he escaped and the blood trail indicated he managed to make his way to a nearby bench to wait for a bus to the rodeo—or at least that’s what Chris LeDoux fans will claim (Hint: it doesn’t get 40 below in Phoenix). When his ride didn’t arrive, he went up the steps of a nearby building, collapsed and was corralled without incident.

Investigators told reporters the arrested man’s underwear pattern matched those in the video. He was also in possession of a pistol of the same caliber and victims’ wallets. The fact his voice was a lot higher than in the audio captured by security cameras may be a challenge for prosecutors, though.






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